We at Clockwork Creation Machine have decided that it really is time for a new face on Christmas. No more Santa and his shining reindeer. No more dancing Frosty with his silk hat. No more Jack Frost or that annoying Heat Miser… No more cheesy happy-go-lucky Christmas BS!! And what better spokesperson is there for a sacred holiday than Conan the Barbarian… Or should I say Conan the Christmas Barbarian?
Now, wait. Before you judge, think about this: Nobody parties like King Conan. Seriously! Check out that feast and those dancing girls. I mean, the guy slaughtered a plastic, mechanical dragon in Red Sonja! Nothing says Holiday Cheer like the blood of robotic enemies!
Beyond that, imagine how his leathers would be accented by a big, red hat and some fluffy white fur. Instead of a sword, we could give him a candy cane and let’s not forget the pointy shoes?
Now, if these arguments don’t persuade you look at the man behind Conan. Old Arnie is the 38th Governor of California. If L.A. with it’s plastic smiles, bejeweled palm trees and fake tans doesn’t say Christmas, I don’t know what does. Besides, Arnie and his wife always seem so happy and full of life. (Well, life-like anyway.)
Granted, there are a few drawbacks like ike that long-fought battle between Father Christmas and the Christ Child in Austria or the fact that Conan isn’t always the warmest fellow (and forget about those warm Christmas Hugs), but I don’t think those things should stop Arnold from really getting down with the holiday spirit.
So, who’s with me?